Since I saw you the first time

Since I saw you the first time, during those short but long instants when you were learning to tell between water and air I knew I would have changed my belief system. I stopped complaining with G-d about the clear and understandable miracles He used to create for His nation while crossing the Red Sea. While in our times you should be able to remember His hand looking at the perfect syncronization of moon and sun. It’s unfair, I used to complain. How can we go on and proclaim all the world You are there, without having concrete proofs at our hands. Some secret cards to throw on that table game that is life, when everything seems to go against your convictions. Then you arrived.With that reddish color and slow voice. With pain mixed to joy, tears to hope, a new world compared to the existing one. A new creation born from prayers and love. You were there. With a white wrapping which reminded an envelope. On which there could be a stamp. Miracle on its way. And you, my little baby, arrived in my arms. Now, after two months, when you are embraced from your mummy far away from me, your grandma, and I can still smell the trace of your presence in my kitchen. After you left and the signs of the wheels of your carriage are still on the floor of my dining room. Now I find the brightness of ideas to declare to myself and the world that yes, you are the proof that open miracles are still happening every single instant and day. From the height of your infancy, like you were sitting on a throne made of breaths and voice which did not exist a few minutes earlier, you were a great teacher. Thank you my little Baby. I love you with all my heart. Oma

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may your soul be bound up in the bond of eternal life

We are here again. For the 14th time. Since that Nissan 3rd during which it was decided from Above, your life was at its end. How could I imagine the kiss I received from you was forever the last one? How could I know I would not feel your strong arms around me before leaving my home? How could I foresee that one day I would have found myself  thinking of you as a light ray, a soul staying under the Heavenly throne, a person who comes to visit his dears only during night and dreams? For every tear I am sheding for you today, I have a special memory to think inside me. As those hot days spent in the Jewish Cemetery of Venice, washing and cleaning tombal stones of Jews dead five hundred years ago. Because you were scared that, one day, nothing will last of those precious engraved words. Discovering the symbols of ancient Jewish Italian families, as the two hands for the kohanim, the lion for the famous Leon da Modena, the eagle for the nobles. Or those endless journeys to Stasbourg to buy  kosher food and meat when you decided it was worthy to travel one and a half hour more in order to go and see the beth hamidrash of Rashi, where he used to study and bring down to this earth heavenly words and explanations. And that Menorah Lego shape. Which you proudly showed me after having worked on it for nigths and days. It should have been the realizzation of your dreams. The Menorah was a miniature plant of the Italian Jewish Museum you were dreaming to build. But in Heaven there was a different plan. And it was decided you were desired there, directly under the Celestial Throne. During this day in which it seems to me I can still hear your voice and not  the kadish said in your memory, I wish you look from above and you smile. Because you are proud of your children. Whom, in every moment of their life, try to go on with your interrupted job spreading and showing the only thing will last after we are not here anymore, is our good deeds and beliefs. Your love for Judaism, for its roots, for its ancient messages perfectly fitting future generations, is always with us. As you are. My dad, my dear papi. May your soul be bound up in the bond of eternal life (as you taught me to say for those who were not with us anymore)

Gheula, Aviva, Ronnie, Gady and Naty

 

A new page in lifebook…

Today I changed the sheets of the beds. I looked for the most comfortable pillows. I opened the new bed covers I was keeping for a special occasion. I cleaned the floor, I finally moved from its unnatural place the picture of the children. In the old frame. It was standing in the corner of the room for more than three months. Waiting for a special guest to come. I removed all the papers from the desk, I cleaned the dust of two weeks on the printer. I moved the curtain, making it appear as a hotel piece. I sprayed roses parfum in the room. I switched off the light. I locked the door. And I breathed deeply. I am ready, spiritually and materially, to be a real mother in law. In my home. Suddenly I feel as I am my mother. The way she uses to welcome us in her home is always so unique, making you feel as somebody was really waiting for you. And as this somebody is really, really happy to see you. So, with G-d’s help, in a few hours I will open a new page in my life book. A page that speaks about grown up children and their new way of being part of the family, a page relating a story of history. And how it repeats itself. From generation to generation, from mother to daughter, from daughter to grandaughter. To son in law. Welcome to my life new old members of my family. I hope that though immersed in a new life, here, in your old room and with the new sheets, you will always feel home.

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She is my mother…believe it or not…

There are people who use special treatments to look younger. who spend money on creams, on pastes, on masks, on make ups. Who retire for several weeks in far and secret  places in order to reappear suddenly with a smoother and teenager looking face. Who spend hours in front of the mirror waiting for a miracle performed by Heaven. There are other people wo don’t have time for special creams and treatments. Who run after their children since the age of 20 without sleeping for 19 years. Who wake up in the morning with the feeling of not having a chance to close the eyes for more than 10 minutes. Who run after their children for years and years tryuìing to concile job and family without letting noticing to one world the existence of the second one. Who go around to shop with their daughters before their wedding and suddenly realize that maybe all the efforts of starting young, when her friends were still enjoying and playing, her adult life, with a family of her own, were worthy. Because most of the sellers of the shops just stop and ask her daughter to come back with her mother and not with her sister. And the daughter, smiling, turns towards her mother and for the hundreth time says: I know you don’t notice it but actually she is not my friend nor my sister. she is my mother..Believe it or not…

A wish list

Here’s a short list of what I would still like to do with you.
I would like to breast feed you some more
I would like to teach you to walk again
I would like to repeat with you ‘mummy’ slowly as once
I would like to push you on the swing for the hundredth time without complaining
I would like to take you again to first grade hand in hand
I would like to reassure you before the vaccination
I would like to hug you after a bad dream
I would like to tell you that I love you though you have scattered all your toys
I would like to teach you my preferred song
I would like to dance with you while you are dressed in that fluffy and shiny pink dress
I would like to embrace you at the age of 10
I would like to eat with you those chocolates in which you invested all your money at the age of 12 and for which I shouted you for two days
I would like to lie down in the bed with you counting the florescent stars we attached on the ceiling
I would like to understand some more what you were thinking at the age of 14

I would like to kiss you goodnight at the age of 16 even though you were not hanging the phone

I would like to go around for shopping once again without looking at the watch

I would like to fill the air with all my love for you and let you smell only this smell for the past 19 years.

I would like…read it again and again, my sweet love and try not to forget any of these wish list points with your future, with G-d’s help, kids…

We found the veil…is this the end?

We found finally the veil. Maybe I didn’t want actually to find it. Maybe I just wanted to posticipate. Because this step represented the final piece of a puzzle which will bring you a little bit away from us, in another country, with another family name, with a new love.

Who knows, I guess that sometimes I am really jealous. Because I know that, in a few days, your first thoughts will be for something that goes beyond our family. To your new identity.

Forgive me if I was rude, if I said things I did not mean. It was my mother nature who was calling from inside, trying to send you a message of which I am a little bit ashame: I love you so much, I know it seems strange, I know that if you were already 30 I would love this moment to become real.

The truth is,that I would want you some more only for me.

That I feel those times during which I was holding your hands and driving your moves, making you choose between a Croc’s and a shoe, are so frighteninly gone.

That the only thing I can do now is just to sit down in the car, with the engine switched off and let all the tears come directly from my heart to the surface of my face.

And tell you: I will always love you.

Don’t cry…

Don’t cry little baby. With G-d’s help, in a less than 21 days, you’ ll be there. Smiling and dancing and starting a new life. Don’t cry little baby, though he is now in the plane. He will be there thinking of you and of your common future ahead. Don’t cry little baby, come to hug your mummy. I know it could seem sometimes childish and reserved only for your little brothers and sisters. But believe me, as tears have no age and every moment can happen to be the right one to shed some of them without being ashame, so are hugs. infinite and ready for any kid you have, at any age, at any stage. and now please only come here, to me.

and may G-d grant you to shed for the next 120 years only tears of joy for wonderful things…

A dream, a knapsack and a shouting baby

Who could imagine your taste for nice clothes, that made us spend so much during the last 19 years, would have been one day so apreciated by someone?

Who could imagine your love for good food, that sometimes forced you to make rush diets, would have once transformed you in the best cook ever?

Who could imagine your dream of being dressed in a fluffy gown, that made you draw so many dresses on your schoolbooks, would have become real one day?

Who could imagine your special brown eyes, that made you call ‘princess’ after 10 minutes you were in this world, would have become one day so laughing and so charming?

Who could imagine our freedom lover, who was dreaming to cross all the world with a knapsack on her back, would have one day loved to stay home waiting for a phone call?

Who could imagine a girl who loved to sleep and woke up for 19 years with an angry expression on her face, could one day wake up with a smile for the coming day?

Who could imagine that little girl cheating during the memory game, going under the glass table and looking at all the cards, would have one day become a woman as you are today?

Who could imagine we would have arrived to that day, during which we should  be preparing mentally to this, with G-d’s help, wonderful and happy life trip while still not able to believe our baby is already at this important step?

Who could imagine one day we will have to let our little shouting, always sleeping, smart, dreaming baby, become his beloved lady?

Mummy, hold strong…

‘Mummyyyyyy’, she started shouting in the middle of the night.
‘No, I don’t want this’ she went on after a few months.
‘Mummy, now we are fine. The baby is in the stroller, I hold on the right side, my brother holds on the left. There is no room for other kids’ she added on a cloudy day.
‘Mummy, can you put us the Rebbe’ s video becuase he is our soul?’ she asked when no other videos were offered home.
‘Mummy, can I go to sleep over by a friend?’ and there started her freedom declaration.
‘Mummy, it was really fun to be there overnight’ she threw there with her jacket coming back home. And since then nothing was the same.
‘Bye mum, See you in 4 months with G-d’s help’ Her ticket was in her bag, the passport in her hand and a part of my heart was in her suitcase. She was just 14 and her flight for Israel was waiting for her.
‘Mummy, I want to come homeeeeeeee!!!!! I don’t like anything here, nor friends nor the school. Why can’t I come back?’ becuase my baby lady, this is for your. For your future, for your growing and becoming a good person. And I really meant it. But I was suffering more than her.
‘Mummy, thank you for sending me here. You cannot imagine how I am happy, how I love being here’ and I was happy too, but I knew that that moment was the beginning of the end. Of years in which she needed so much, in which she just wanted to be embraced.
‘Mummy, hold strong. I have amazing news for you. I am….’

Just one moment. You are learning to say mum, you are empowering through the first denials, you don’t want any new brothers, you would like to see a video of the Rebbe, you learnt the fun of sleeping over by a friend, you are missing home, you are enjoying your stay away from home or…

No, don’t tell me. Did these 19 years pass already so fast?
Yes, mum. They are. And For me too. And now it’s time for me to let you know these wonderful news. I want to get married very very soon…

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